lungul drum al noptii catre zi

asa cum stalkerii mei de pe instagram stiu deja, lately am devenit un fel de gym bunny :)). mai precis, in fiecare dimineata* ma ridic din pat aproape natural in jur de ora 6 [!!!!], in maximum 45 de minute sunt deja pe stepper si abia atunci incepe sa mi se trezeasca si creierul. si dupa aia sunt plina de energieeeee toata ziua!!! [nu glumesc, chiar am un cardio high de nu stiu ce sa fac cu el, si am devenit atat de dependenta de chestia asta incat nici nu-mi trece prin cap sa sar o zi de sala, ca mi-e frica sa nu-mi pierd mojo-ul :))]

daaar nu asta voiam sa povestesc. mergand eu la aceasta sala bine dotata am descoperit televiziunea, iar descoperind televiziunea am gasit canalul cu celebritati E! care este senzational. [va spun, n-ai trait pana cand n-ai vazut #RichKidsOfBeverlyHills :)))]

anyway, una din emisiunile pe care le tot prind acolo este “revenge body with khloe kardashian”. nu inchideti pagina, ca nu m-am prostit definitiv [sper :)))] and i do have a point. plot: kk [care se pare ca e un caz de succes in weight loss management] aduce in emisiune diverse femei care vor sa slabeasca si le pune la dispozitie antrenorii si nutritionistii ei. iar ele sunt motivate de ideea ca slabesc ca sa se “razbune” pe cineva, in cele mai multe cazuri un sot sau un prieten nemernic care nu le iubeste neconditionat.

ideea asta ca poti slabi, sau ma rog, poti face schimbari radicale si permanente in viata ta motivate de un factor extern este, foarte pe scurt, o prostie. da, bineinteles ca poti sa petreci 2h pe zi la sala while feasting on 1200 de calorii din proteine si fibre, alimentata de motorasul urii fata de un ex, o familie care a ras de tine toata viata sau o colega careia vrei sa ii starnesti invidia – dar nu cred ca genul asta de motivatie negativa poate sa te tina pe linia de plutire mai mult de cateva saptamani, in cel mai bun caz. ma intriga cazurile persoanelor super determinate care reusesc sa se tina de un program strict de slabire, sa zicem, repetandu-si constant “eyes on the prize” cu ochii pe rochia cu 2 masuri mai mica luata pe post de totem motivational. ma intriga, pentru ca eu n-am reusit, cu toate eforturile, sa fiu una dintre ele, desi god knows ca mi-am cumparat tone de haine mai mici decat ar fi trebuit :)).

pentru mine [si honestly cred ca pentru toata lumea, pe termen lung] e de un milion de ori mai buna motivarea pozitiva. pentru ca de cand ma stiu [adica de pe la vreo 3-4 ani asa] am oscilat intre obeza si doar grasa, de cand ma stiu am trait cu convingerea constanta, solida si imposibil de daramat ca ar trebui sa fiu altfel decat sunt. convingere alimentata zilnic de sfaturile foarte bine intentionate, insa foarte prost formulate ale familiei [nu mai manca si tu painea aia, da, frate-tau poate sa manance, ca el e slab], de bully-ingul zilnic [o scoala de la capatul cartierului militari nu e cel mai comod loc pentru o fetita obligata sa poarte sutien de la 11 ani], de excluderea din inalta societate :)) [ma indoiesc ca o sa uit vreodata cum la petrecerea in pijama foarte selecta a unei colege din clasa a 9a am fost invitata numai pentru ca ana, my bff si the cool girl of the class, i-a declarat deschis gazdei ca ea nu vine fara mine], de feedback-uri masculine hmmm, cum sa le spun, mixte :)) [it’s kinda uncomfortable cand prietenul tau de care, in imbecilitatea ta, esti inca foarte indragostita umbla prin casa fredonandu-ti “women lose weight“].

pana cand, literalmente, m-am saturat si m-am plictisit de toate chestiile astea. life is short si eu n-am de gand sa o petrec asteptand sa vina momentul magic in care sa fiu perfecta. m-am saturat sa ma gandesc constant ca _nu_ ar trebui sa mananc dulciuri [si dupa aia sa mananc un tort intreg if possible, nu din placere, ci dintr-un sentiment bolnav de self hatred], m-am saturat sa ma gandesc ca n-are rost sa ma imbrac cu altceva decat primul tricou negru care-mi cade in mana, ca oricum arat ca dracu, m-am saturat sa ma intreb ooo, dar ce vor crede x sau y despre mine daca spun sau fac cutare lucru [unde x sau y sunt members of the opposite sex care nu imi erau indiferenti la momentul gandului, iar cutare lucru nu mai spun ce era, ca mi-e frica sa nu citeasca si mama intr-o buna zi postul asta, la cat de activa e pe internet acum :))], m-am saturat in principiu de ideea asta ca lumea e perfecta, doar eu sunt inadecvata. cred ca pe scurt s-ar putea spune ca am imbatranit si mi-am pierdut rabdarea :)), dar e de un milion de ori mai confortabil sa te gandesti ca lumea e o adunare de fermecatoare imperfectiuni si tu esti una dintre ele, absolut adecvata exact asa cum te gasesti.

and then there’s this awesome switch – cand ajungi la concluzia ca esti exact asa cum trebuie, incepi sa te porti foarte frumos cu tine, adica sa faci tot posibilul sa te simti bine. ceea ce ar putea insemna sa faci mai multa miscare pentru ca te energizeaza, sa mananci o cina mai light ca sa te trezesti bine dispus [true story!], sa renunti la dulciurile industriale coz you deserve better, sa te imbraci mai frumos pentru ca e pur si simplu fun si asa mai departe. si toate lucrurile astea mici, impreuna, creeaza o stare pozitiva care se alimenteaza din ea insasi si ultimately te motiveaza sa te simti din ce in ce mai bine. most importantly, te motiveaza din interior in exterior si nu invers – adica pe termen lung ai sanse mult mai mari ca motorasul asta sa tureze din ce in ce mai tare, nu sa scada. si uite asa zi de zi de transformi intr-o persoana mai fericita, si cand esti fericit vezi mult mai bine toate lucrurile frumoase din jur. [coz you know internet, e ca atunci cand iti iei un beetle, sa zicem, si dupa aia vezi doar beetle-uri pe strada :))]. si cand esti expus la lucruri frumoase, te transformi intr-un om mai bun, iar cand esti un om mai bun imprastii numai energie pozitiva in jurul tau si faci toata lumea a happier place.

in concluzie, daca vreti sa faceti lumea mai buna, treat yourselves well and the rest will follow :D.

va las cu piesa mea preferata din ultima luna. femeia asta este awesomeness itself.

* in fiecare dimineata, mai putin in cea care a urmat acestui post. cand eram atat de obosita incat n-am reusit sa scot masina din parcare, asa ca m-am intors in casa si m-am culcat la loc, imbracata in colanti nike :)). deoarece yesss, you totally can have it all and be well-rested in the process! :))

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    Ana, ce m-am bucurat cand am vazut ca ai redeschis fabrica! 🙂 am inceput sa te citesc cand eram la liceu (deci pe la vreo 17-18 ani) si acum am 30 :)) ce mult, mult m-am bucurat! Mi-am adus aminte de o groaza de lucruri pe care le-ai scris aici si care m-au facut sa nu ma mai simt singura in nesigurantele mele. Ce bine Ana, am impresia ca te cunosc de-o viata 🙂 sa te mai reintorci aici, eu de abia astept!

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